Drunken Brew Review: Narragansett Coffe Milk Stout

2014-11-04-gansett-690x299

Intro

Do you love iced coffee? Do you walk to Dunkin or wherever you go (besides Starbucks because fuck Starbucks) no matter how cold and shitty it is outside, and order an iced coffee every single time? Did you just answer those questions in your own head? Well guess what, pal, those were a little trick called rhetorical questions. Narragansett Coffee Milk Stout is pretty much an iced coffee with booze in it, and it’s unbelievably and undeniably awesome.

Color

Black. It looks like black coffee. Not much else to say. There’s a nice head of foam that comes when pouring it into a glass that closely resembles coffee with cream/milk in it. Are you getting the hint that this stuff tastes like coffee?

Flavor

Here we go. So much to your surprise, this beer tastes exactly like coffee. More specifically, it tastes like the perfect balance of coffee: not too bitter, not too sweet, and not overbearing. The flavor first hits you when you get some of the foam, it really eases you into the drink. When the meaty part of the beer hits your lips, that’s where you’re greeted with the finest tasting coffee this side of Colombia. This beer also lets you know that it’s a stout, but it’s not a dick about it. The theme of balance comes into play here as well, because it’s not overbearingly heavy, and it’s not water-like light, either. They did a great job of both balancing the flavor and the texture of this beer. I probably wouldn’t be able to have more than two of these in a row just because of the heartiness, but it feels perfect while you’re drinking it.

Wrap Up

Narragansett Coffee Milk Stout is one of the more balanced beers I’ve ever had. It’s easy to be balanced when you’re just making a regular, non-specifically flavored beer, but for something as hard to pull off as a coffee stout, they do an incredible job. It’s the perfect beer to have on a work lunch: you can lie to yourself saying that you’re just having a coffee to “get through the day,” and you’re just going to smell like coffee after drinking it. Making Darla from accounting say to herself “gee, that’s a goddamn winner right there. I’m going to show him my boobs later.” Or something like that.

Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 6.25.23 PM $8.99/sixer (pints)

 

 

Drunken Whiskey Review: Woodstock Hot Licks Bourbon and Cinnamon Liqueur

sex

Intro

It takes a man to admit he was wrong. I spent a large chuck of my life believing that any type of cinnamon “whiskey” was the drink of college girls and men with hairless balls.

Woodstock Hot Licks Bourbon slapped me in the face with the dick of truth, and showed me that not all cinnamon whiskies are created equal.

How to Drink it

“I take motherfucking shots of this stuff every morning, noon, afternoon, tea time, evening, night – fuck I even take shots of this shit when I’m asleep. It gives me wet dreams. Its the fucking best fucking shit I’ve ever fucking had the opportunity to take fucking shots of. Fuck.” – Edgar Allan Poe.

 When I first read that quote from my dear friend Mr. Poe, I thought to myself “I need to get that tattooed on my balls”. So I did. Unfortunately, I ran out of sack halfway through the quote. Some might consider this a short sighted disaster, but I don’t. You see, as I grow older, my balls will hang lower. Every year or two I’ll have a little more sack to continue the quote. Mr. Poe may have passed, but he will continue to speak to me for years to come. My scrotum will act as a medium to connect me to the afterlife.
The moral of the story kids, is that this is the best whiskey for taking shots.

Flavor

You pour 1.5 ounces into your cheetah print shot glass that reads “sassy bitch”. As you raise the glass to closer to your face the strong cinnamon smell creeps up your nose and the erection is instant. As you close your eyes you breathe in, and toss the shot down your throat. The sweet and spicy taste is orgasmic. The cinnamon taste so real that you can almost taste the powdering of real cinnamon on your tongue; A phantom sensation you just can’t shake. But the honeymoon is over; You breathe out and wait for the kick…but it never comes. You open your eyes, surprised and pleased; Pouring yourself another, you remember why you’re so intoxicated this early in the night.

Wrap Up

What in the house of fucks.

Screen Shot 2014-09-25 at 3.54.56 PM   $11.00

Screen Shot 2014-09-25 at 3.55.41 PM

Drunken Brew Review: Lord Hobo Brewing Company Boomsauce IPA

Intro

Ok. We need to kick this drunken review off by addressing the absurd names being thrown around in the headline there. Let’s start with the brewery themselves. Lord Hobo. Comes in hot, forces you to buy pretty much anything they’re putting out. It also happens to be quite the interesting google search, especially when you forget to put the keyword “brewery” in at the end. Lord Hobo Brewing Company hails from the greatest state in the country, Massachusetts. Apparently it’s run by a guy named Daniel Lanigan, who used to be a bar owner but now is dabbling in the fine art of brewing. He’s opened and established several great bars in Boston and also in Baltimore, and now he’s running a gigantic brewery out of Woburn, MA, and this Boomsauce IPA is his flagship brew. So yes, we did buy this beer solely because of it’s name. But your third grade teacher who told you not to judge a book by its cover also told you that picking your nose in public is wrong. And we all know that’s the stupidest shit we’ve ever heard. So let’s get into it.

How to Drink It

To be completely honest, Lord Hobo Boomsauce IPA is really one of those beers that should be drank at a bar and at a bar only. Ordering this on tap and having it in a real glass brings out the ridiculous flavors that are going on in it. Pretty much your 1 way to go here. But 1A is definitely to buy it at a packie (that means liquor store) in the tall boy cans. The cans themselves along with this IPAs astounding drinkability will allow you to drink this bad boy while playing some low-key drinking games. Think card games, something along the lines of the lovingly named “Fuck the Dealer” or “Irish Poker” or something like “Horserace.” Or if you’re playing any kind of video game drinking game (we recommend Mario Party). The bottom line is this: there’s enough of a flavor depth to want to drink this at a bar and enjoy it, but it’s drinkable enough and high enough in alcohol, 7.4%, to help you out in your pre-game this weekend.

Flavors

Lord Hobo Boomsauce IPA takes all the normal flavors you’d think about in an IPA: hops, floral, bitterness, and seemingly runs it through a filter. Don’t get me wrong, I have no idea what or how they do it, but it tastes like it’s purified somehow. Makes some other IPAs taste like tap water while you’re drinking bottled. Which is what leads me to the main point: it’s fucking drinkable. If you read our reviews often, we like to get drunk. This means that when we have some of these high-octane IPAs that fill you up after six sips, we don’t like it, because that means we cannot get drunk off of it. So when an IPA comes along that lends itself to normal drinking, let’s just say there’s some movement in the pants area. Only other flavors to add is a scent of pine and an amazing aftertaste. You know that the brewer’s homebrewing background really comes out in spades with this Lord Hobo Boomsauce IPA.

To keep it fair, the only negatives I can find with this beer is the price itself. It’s definitely overpriced at $15.00 for a 4 pack, but let’s hope this gigantic brewery can help lower the costs down a bit in the future. Other than that, if you don’t like strong IPAs than you shouldn’t be drinking this. If you do, we think you’ll love the drinkability and the flavor depth.

Wrap Up

Lord Hobo Brewing Company is a well-named brewery that seems to have a bright future ahead of it. And when they came up with the name “Boomsauce” for their IPA, let’s just say they had a lot to live up to. And they did. If they can work on lowering their price, the sky seems to be the limit for this beer and the brewery itself. Great brew.

 

Drunken Brew Review: Victory Brewing HopDevil IPA

Intro

 

HopDevil is an American IPA brewed by Victory Brewing Company out of PA. Apparently Victory uses some hop-press machine that squeezes all the flavor out of their hops, almost like a French Press but for drunks. It clocks in at 6.7% ABV and 50 IBUs. To be completely honest, we only wanted to try this brew out for a couple basic reasons: 1) we love IPAs 2) we love satan. Victory Brewing offers a good amount of beers, most notably for me their Belgian style “monkey beer” (I have no idea what it’s called but it has a monkey with I think 14 paws on it so it’s awesome). So here we go.

 

 

The Pour

First of all, if you’re not drinking HopDevil IPA in a glass you should find the nearest bridge and walk backwards off of it. I swear to you it tastes like a completely different beer when you drink it out of the glass compared to out of the bottle. The foam layer that comes out is moderately thick, and does a nice job of sticking to the glass as you down it. And more importantly, the foam tastes fucking delicious. Since we haven’t done a beer review in quite some time, I will reiterate: if you actually care about the pour of your beer you’re an asshole, we’re just letting you know how to get the most out of this brew. So let’s get to what really matters: the flavor.

Flavor

HopDevil IPA fills your nozzle with scents of flowers and citrus before you take a sip. Which is awesome. Once you take a gulp, though, that’s pretty much where the awesome stops for me. The flavor profile is as follows: citrus (think orange, grapefruit, lemon, orange peel, etc), soap, and floral flavors from the hops. You may have missed it, but there’s one flavor in that profile that kind of sort of stands out. The aftertaste really hits on that soapy flavor, and that’s something that flat out confused my mouth. Is this the devil finally washing my mouth out with soap for not praising his name enough? Luckily these flavors disappear pretty quickly, but all that means is that there isn’t much depth to the beer itself. It actually tastes more like a light IPA, which is bullshit. I get it, I deserve to get my mouth cleaned out with soap, but that plus alcohol has a strange punisher-rapey vibe to it, and that’s not exactly what I’m looking for in a beer. I mean it’s close, but not quite there.

 

Wrap Up

Victory HopDevil IPA just screams “meh.” It’s nothing special. Does it deserve to have (hail) Satan on the label? Absolutely not. But does it deserve a shot? Yes absolutely. So go ahead, try this guy out, but maybe try it as a single brew, because I don’t think I’ll be drinking the other five in my sixer. Maybe I’ll consider them a sacrifice to the one and only S-Dawg.

$11.99/sixer

Drunken Whiskey Review: Old Overholt Rye Whiskey

       Intro

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 9.36.35 AM

 

I’ll never forget the first time I had Old Overholt. I originally bought it because it was cheap, rye, and had a weird picture of George Washington (I think?) on the label.  Little did I know that this whiskey is the dark horse of all dark horses.  Absolutely do not be fooled by the $20/liter price tag, because this shit is absolutely legit. Through the years it sticks with you, as I’m finding that it’s carried by more and more packies, it’s a great go-to for parties and more.

 

 How To Drink It

This is an extremely balanced whiskey, meaning it’s good in almost any setting, but I think it really is best for cocktails. Old fashioneds, whiskey sours, manhattans, etc. This whiskey does’t just hold its weight in cocktails, it really amplifies the flavor while still giving you that bite you want out of a rye. Drinking it full strength tastes like a mixed drink itself because there are so many flavors going on, but taking a shot of this may burn your throat off/send you into a Patriotic American coma.

 

Flavor

You gotta love the flavor of this whiskey, even without considering the price. It goes down nice and smooth but lets you know it’s a pure American Rye with every sip. It is not at all harsh, but it’s also not a pussy rye drink (looking at you, JP). There’s a hint of corn that comes with the aftertaste, but all in all it makes you feel like George Washington drinking freedom. I know I just said that it’s best for cocktails, but this shit stands on its own when you drink it straight up or on the rocks.

 

First Words: Spice. City.

Overall Old Overholt is officially my go-to rye whiskey when I can find it in the store. It’s cheap, mixes great, and tastes perfect full strength or over ice. And to top it all off, you get a liter of it so it will last you that much longer (or get you that much more fucked up).

Wrap Up

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 9.36.09 AM              Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 9.35.20 AM

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 9.36.05 AM

5 Whiskies That Won’t Burn Your Wallet or Your Tastebuds

Are you poor as shit and need to get drunk? Willing to sell yourself outside a packie to get a decent whiskey? Well I got good news for you my friends! Put your whoring outfit away because I did you a solid and put together a list of five whiskies that wonʼt burn your tastebuds or your wallet.

Benchmark 8 Bourbon – $11

Screen Shot 2014-06-13 at 7.27.59 AM

I gotta say this one on my favorites. This stuff is way too good to be this cheap. Itʼs made in the same distillery as buffalo trace, and its top notch stuff. They use a lot more rye than most bourbons so it has a lot more spiciness and flavor. If youʼre gona get one whiskey on this list Iʼd go with this bad boy.

Evan Williams Bourbon – $15

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 9.10.10 AMThis stuff tastes very similar to Jack Daniels, but itʼs half the price and tastes better. Itʼs got a smoother and more smokey flavor. If you like Jack and Cokes you have to try and Evan and Coke. The smokey flavor goes great and mixed drinks, and it also tastes great on the rocks

Canadian Mist – $10

Screen Shot 2014-06-13 at 7.28.20 AM

I feel a little weird putting a canadian whiskey on this list but I canʼt deny its value. This stuff is smooth and simple. It gets the job done, and its easy to put down. You can rip shots of this stuff all night and never feel the burn.

Old Grand Dad – $15

Screen Shot 2014-06-13 at 7.28.47 AM

This stuff is awesome. This is a high-rye bourbon like benchmark -so its loaded with spiciness and flavor. Old Grand Dad is made by Jim Beam, but it tastes better and costs less than good ol white label beam.

Old Crow- $9

Screen Shot 2014-06-13 at 7.29.03 AM

It doesnʼt get much cheaper than this. At nine bucks the crow is an absolute steal. This stuff has a sweet smell and taste. Itʼs smooth with just the right amount of burn. The sweet flavor of this whiskey makes it great in cocktails and on ice. Old Crow has some history too – Mark Twain, and Ulysses S Grant used to drink this stuff.

Drunken Whiskey Review: High West Double Rye

 

Intro

Screen Shot 2014-08-14 at 6.21.25 PMWe review a lot of Rye Whiskies here at Whiskey on the House because….well they are
fucktastic. But I have never tried a rye whiskey like High West Double Rye. I got it as a gift for my birthday and my tastebuds and liver were forever changed. High West Blends to completely different rye whiskies (one is only aged 2 years but with 95%rye and 5% barley – the other is aged 16 years with 53% rye and 37% corn) to give your mouth a blast of spicy sweetness

How to Drink it

I don’t think I’ve ever had a whiskey better for cocktails than High West Double Rye. Theres a lot of variety in spice in this whiskey so it can really go well in any mixed drink but the High West Distillery highly recommends Manhattans. This is whiskey is strong and bold enough to drink perfectly on the rocks as well. Taking shots of this bad larry might be a bit harsh, but fuck, I’d do it anyway.

Flavor

I was going to relate the variety and complexity of flavor in this rye to that “It’s a small world” ride at Disney World…but then I realized – fuck that. I hate that ride. I can’t understand what kind of shitbag would actually like it. It’s the same six words over, and over, and over again. And you go around real slow in some dinky boat and you see all these creepy dolls, of all different races, doing their little mechanical dances. You know they are just robots, but you swear you see one looking at you. It’s the mexican one. And he pulls out a knife and whispers “I’m gona cut you in your sleep ese”. No one else hears it but you. You try to tell your grandma, but she doesn’t listen because your just a little kid. But you saw what you saw and you dread the night paco sneaks up on you and fulfills his robotic promise.

Anyway, the mix of the two different rye whiskies is what gives High West Double Rye its unique flavor. You’re really getting two complete opposite worlds of flavor; With the 2 year 95% rye giving you the harsh extreme spicy flavor, and the 16 year 53% rye 37% corn giving you the smooth sweet flavor. The two ryes flank your tastebuds into spicy sweet surrender.

First words: NOO NOO NOO NOT THE MECHANICAL MEXICAN BOY ROBOT NOOOOO

Wrap UP

Despite triggering suppressed childhood memories,High West Double Rye is still the best rye I’ve had as of yet

 

Screen Shot 2014-08-14 at 6.18.12 PM     Screen Shot 2014-08-14 at 6.18.35 PM

Screen Shot 2014-08-14 at 6.19.54 PM

Drunken Whiskey Review: Canadian Club

Screen Shot 2014-06-29 at 9.11.02 AMIntro:

Everyone’s probably joined The Club (by drinking Canadian Club, ya hosers) at one point. It starts with seeing that you can get a liter of whiskey for the cost of about 2 hockey pucks. Next thing you know you’re hipchecking your poor guests into your fridge, saying things like “MAYBE NEXT TIME HOSER.” Listen we all know Canadian Club isn’t exactly the highest up on the wihskey totem pole/ goal post, but it certainly gets the job done for cheap.

How to Drink It:

This one’s kind of a no-brainer. You almost have to have the intention of taking shots before you join The Club. Goes down smooth, gets you drunk. Easy. However if you sip on it full-strength or on ice, you will probably be a little disappointed. I also can’t recommend the Club for mixed drinks. It’s probably fine if you’re doing a simple mixer like soda or whatever you crazy kids do, but in terms of real cocktails, use something else. Bottom line is if you need to get hosed quick, join the Club.

Flavor:

Tastes like a classic Canadian Whiskey. It has a slight taste of maple, again I dont know if they use maple barrels or if it’s Canadian mind games, but the taste is there. The Canadian Club does have a surprising amount of bite to it, it’s not a completely flat whiskey, but it also won’t knock you on your ass (Canadians are too polite for that anyway, eh).

first word: whaaaaatever.

Kind of a boring review. Kind of a boring whiskey. Again if you have like ten bucks and want to get right rip loaded (eh), it’s a good option.

 

Screen Shot 2014-06-29 at 9.12.38 AM

Screen Shot 2014-06-29 at 9.12.35 AM

Screen Shot 2014-06-29 at 9.15.46 AM

Some Psycho Built A Robot To Drink With and Its Creepy As Hell

Via

Robots freak me out plan and simple, there is honestly no need for robots, our parents, grandparents and so forth lived and survived without the help of robots and we should do the same. You’ve all seen the movies where everything is going well, robots make everyones life easier and all of a sudden they go berserk and kill everyone in their sights, why risk this? So we don’t need to do housework? So we don’t need to do certain jobs? And now so we don’t drink alone? That just seems insane to me that someone decided that drinking alone was so sad that it would be better for a robot to “drink” with you. Now the best part of drinking with someone is to chill with them, you don’t drink with someone to watch them drink when you do, you drink with someone to have a good time, maybe play some Chel, Halo, card games or whatever floats your boat. Now this robot just stores the alcohol in what looks like a mason jar, lights its cheeks up and giver you a thumbs up. How is that not creepy to anyone else? This dude built a robot to drink with because he didn’t have a friend or a girlfriend to drink with. If you think this makes drinking with it seem less lonely and you enjoy this than you are delusional and will be the reason us reasonable people become prey to the robots.

Old Guy Walks Into Wrong House, Refuses to Leave The Couch or Stop Drinking Whiskey

Screen Shot 2014-07-22 at 8.35.07 PM

 

 

SPOKANE VALLEY, Wash. — George Martin was having a nice evening last Thursday, sitting on the couch, watching TV and drinking whiskey. It probably would have been even better without those two kids trying to get him to leave their house.

According to the Spokane Sheriff’s Office, 15-year-old boy was playing with a friend outside his house in the 13400 block of East 12th Avenue around 5 p.m. when his friend went inside to see what time it was.

The teens were shocked to find a man, later identified as the 44-year-old Martin, sitting on the couch and drinking from a large bottle of whiskey, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

Martin reportedly refused to leave the house, so the teens grabbed a knife and locked themselves in the basement before calling 911.

According to the Sheriff’s Office, deputies arrived to find Martin sitting on the couch and watching TV with a bottle of whiskey on the table next to him.

Martin reportedly thought he was at a Spokane address more than 10 miles away to meet someone named “Jeanie.” 

According to the Sheriff’s Office, Martin was confused how he got into the house, telling deputies, “Maybe I shimmied through that window” while pointing to a window that was sealed tight with duct tape. It appears he actually came in through the unlocked front door.

Martin was arrested for investigation of criminal trespassing.

Via Komo News

Someone get this guy a fucking trophy. Such an absolute head scratching, unbelievable power move here. Ever wander down the wrong aisle in a parking lot? That’s a lot like this situation that good old George Martin found himself in. Except instead of just pressing his alarm button on his keys and finding his “car,” George decided to just sit down, crack open a bottle of whiskey, and make an afternoon out of it. I wonder where that girl Jeannie was? Psht, probably at a house that she actually has the keys to, what a dumbass. I also absolutely love his response to the police questioning. “Hey George, how’d you get into this house that totally isn’t yours, by the way? Fuck, maybe I shimmied through that window, maybe I came down the chimney, maybe go fuck yourself.” George fucking Martin everybody, badass everywhere you look. Someone get me this guy’s info, I don’t want him to be our editor, I need it.