We All Agree That Wednesdays Are The Ultimate Swing Day, Right?

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Someone brought this up yesterday. I thought it was something that everyone on Earth already agreed on, but maybe not. Wednesdays are swing days. By that I mean you’re definitely either letting loose or going out on Thursday-Saturday. So that makes Wednesday an ultimate swing day. If you decide to go out or have a couple drinks on a Wednesday, it completely changes your entire week. Likewise, if you decide to treat it like a normal Wednesday, you will in turn have a very normal week. Swing day. Do we all agree?

Spreadable Beer is Now a Thing

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Love beer so much that you wish you could eat it? The time has come.

Birra Spalmabile is the brainchild of an Italian chocolatier and an Italian brewer: Accordingly, it spreads just like ganache and tastes like a brew (with an “irresistible hoppy scent”). A single jar contains 40 percent beer (and no chocolate). The product can be paired with both sweet and savory foods, like cheeses, meats, fruits and pastries.

The spread is alcohol-free, so if you like, you can add it to your bacon, egg and cheese for a quality breakfast sandwich experience. It received some buzz back in 2012 in Italy, and has recently resurfaced for purchase stateside. You can pre-order it on Firebox.

There are so many foods we want this spreadable beer to meet. For starters, we’re thinking it would pair nicely with a grilled cheese, a warm pretzel, brie and crackers, a bratwurst on a bun and maybe even a savory peanut butter and beer sandwich.

If you desire something a little more domestic, “beer jellies” can be found in the U.S., which are infused with spicy, floral and smoky notes of either IPA or stout flavors.

 

 

That’s it! I’m tapping out! Enough! What the fuck is this? Spreadable beer? We can all agree that this not only crosses the line, but it jumps over it and kicks dirt all over the line. Spreadable beer to eat with grilled cheese or peanut butter and beer sandwich?! I get that craft beer is making everyone’s heads explode, as it should. But this is absolutely insane. Like the logic for it’s existence doesn’t even make sense. Want to pair a beer with your food that badly? How about you fucking, I don’t know, PAIR A BEER WITH YOUR FOOD? You don’t need to dump beer all over your food or spread it around, just fucking eat, and then drink. Simple. Like for people who love beer, you can’t possibly like this spreadable beer, right? Because then you don’t like beer, you like a weird spreadable substance that is pretending to be beer.

Non-Alcoholic Club “Sober” Opens Its Doors

 

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NPR – Breathalyzers were placed in the doorway of a nightclub in Stockholm this weekend, with an unusual purpose: to ensure no guests had been drinking alcohol. It was all part of a plan for a booze-free night out called Sober, where staff were also on the lookout for anyone who seemed to be on drugs. The plan for a club in a hip Stockholm neighborhood to host a monthly alcohol-free night created a buzz, if you will, when it was announced by comedian Mårten Andersson last month. And it seems to have been a hit, with nearly 900 people packing the sold-out venue to hear DJs on two separate dance floors and sip boozeless cocktails, faux beer and sham Champagne. According to a reporter who went to the club Friday night, the Sodra Theatre filled up early, with an eclectic crowd checking out music by Zoo Brazil, the Bee Gees and others. ”The crowd was much more diverse than you get at most European club nights,” Maddy Savage writes for Sweden’s The Local, “with curious teenagers joining former alcoholics in their fifties, clean-living yogis and breastfeeding mothers in their thirties.” In The Local, Savage reports that while many people seemed to be having fun, at least a few people were having second thoughts. “People don’t usually dance when they are sober, so it is like an awkward social experiment,” a young man named Maximillian said. “A lot of guys here in Sweden are kind of shy when they are not drinking,” his friend Hampus added. Perhaps those guys will benefit from the type of contemplation Andersson encourages. “The idea of SOBER is not only that there should be a club where you do not drink alcohol but something deeper than that,”

 

Well, I dare you to think of a worse place to be in the entire world than at a club, completely sober with zero chance of getting drunk. I mean for me to go to a club, I need to be on a whole different level of drunk. The whole idea of flashing lights, blaring (shitty) music, and obnoxious drunk girls who want guys to dance with them but then call them gross for dancing with them, is not my thing. And just look at the quote of who’s at this raging club called “Sober:”

“with curious teenagers joining former alcoholics in their fifties, clean-living yogis and breastfeeding mothers in their thirties.” 

 

Yeah, because that wonderful mix of people will go smoothly. Who doesn’t want to be at a club where a 17 year old could be grinding with a 50 year old heroin addict who “cant do booze anymore,” while the judgmental vegans are preaching to the mothers with babies hanging off their tits about how cruel steak tips are to society. Sounds absolutely BUMPING.

How to Get Into a Bar When Your Crew is Waaaay Too Wasted

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LOVE this move. These bros just putting their heads together and forming a human wall of drunkenness is pure gold. How did they not end up getting into the club? Like that has to be a huuuuuge fucking bouncer, right? I literally cannot think of anything more fun* than  trying to bulldoze down the fucking bouncer that didn’t let you in. This HAS to be the new norm for getting into bars when you’re with your buddies, or ladies when you’re in your pack. Like especially if the bouncer does let you in, just fucking enter in that way for the hell of it. There’s arriving, and then there’s arriving in style. I don’t think I’ll ever walk into a bar unless I’m in the Spartan 300 formation again.

 

 

*Actually I think this is more fun:

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Heroin is Officially Easier and Cheaper to Get in Pennsylvania Than Booze

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 1.57.07 PMHARRISBURG A new report paints a bleak picture of heroin abuse across Pennsylvania, while providing an array of recommendations — including expanding or revamping existing education and prevention efforts, law enforcement policies and treatment options — to reverse what it calls a “growing epidemic in the state.”

According to the just-released report from the Center for Rural Pennsylvania — a bipartisan legislative agency of the Pennsylvania General Assembly that advocates for the state’s rural and small communities — overdose deaths from heroin and other opioids, including prescription painkillers, in Pennsylvania have increased by 470-percent over the past two decades, and that over the past five years such overdoses have claimed the lives of nearly 3,000 Pennsylvanians.

Additionally, the report states, more adult Pennsylvanians age 20 to 44 are dying annually from overdoses than motor vehicle accidents, and that an estimated 34,000 youngsters between the ages of 12 and 17 are trying heroin for the first time each year as the price of the drug declines and its availability increases.

“Heroin is cheaper and easier for young people to obtain than alcohol,” said State Senator Gene Yaw (R-23), chairman of the Center for Rural Pennsylvania, while unveiling the report, according to Reuters; Yaw also said that a small bag of heroin that delivers a high lasting about four or five hours goes for between $5 and $10 on the street.

And while approximately 52,150 Pennsylvania residents are receiving addiction treatment services, about 760,703 people remain untreated, due in part to the fact that there are currently enough public resources to treat only one out of every eight Pennsylvanians suffering from addiction, according to the new report.

During a series of public hearings across the state in July and August that included testimony from more than 50 legislators, law enforcement officials, drug addiction specialists, recovering addicts and others, which formed the basis of the 23-page report, Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane noted “her firsthand observations of heroin confiscated at the Mexican border and of the massive amounts of heroin reaching Pennsylvania, primarily via truck transportation and air travel,” resulting in heroin being extremely easy to obtain, the report states, and, ultimately, an epidemic that “continues to impact every corner of the Commonwealth in both rural and urban communities.”

Because Pennsylvania “cannot arrest its way out of the growing heroin and opioid abuse and addiction crisis,” the report asserts, a number of recommendations that came out of the public hearings could help reverse the tide.

In terms of the law enforcement approach to drug-related crime, the report calls for the expansion of jail diversion program eligibility for addicts arrested in low-level, heroin-related possession or theft cases; tougher sentences for heroin traffickers and dealers; the establishment of a statewide database documenting heroin overdoses and deaths to aid in trafficking investigations; and an increase in law enforcement personnel and funding for county drug task forces since, as one district attorney testified during the hearings, 80 percent of all crimes in the state are drug-related.

On the treatment side, the report stresses the recognition of drug addiction as a disease and that those suffering from such a disease should be provided “sufficient access to…treatment services,” noting that “treatment funding has been cut by 25 percent over the past few years while requests for services have quadrupled.” The report also calls for all state group health plans to comply with Pennsylvania law obligating them to provide coverage for the treatment of alcohol and drug addiction “once a certification of a medical problem and referral is made by a licensed physician or psychologist,” since “lack of coverage is an obstacle to receiving proper treatment.”

And to prevent heroin addiction from taking root in the first place, the report recommends medication restrictions for treating chronic pain — approximately 80 percent of people who abused heroin reported abusing prescription opioids first, the report states — in part by giving pharmacists flexibility on filling partial prescriptions without jeopardizing insurance company reimbursement (insurance companies incentivize 30-day-or-greater supplies of opioid pain medications, according to the report)

Via Mainline Media

 

Couple things here. First, I think we can all agree that this is just fucking crazy. I know that Pennsylvania just plain blows, and there’s probably nowhere more boring on the face of the earth than rural fucking PA, but how in God’s name can a “small packet of heroin” cost 3 Snickers bars? No wonder hard core druggies are just dying left and right. Let’s see, I can either get 12 Oz of some craft double IPA, ooooor I can buy fucking heroin. Maybe I’m just nowhere near the drug world to know, but I always kinda thought that heroin would be expensive. So besides the typical political shit and programs that PA can put in to place, the logical solution here is to just lower the price of booze right? Like sure, set up your treatment programs and whatever, but pay off Yuengling or someone to just sell beer for like 5 cents and get everyone off heroin.

Also I hope no politician or anyone is going to look at this and say “wow, we have a serious problem with the low-lifes in our state” because really they need to look at it in reverse and realize that their state just fucking sucks. Like there has to be a fundamental reason why packets of heroin are flowing around your state like tumbleweeds. Clean it up, PA.

How About This Dude Boozing With No Hands and His Eyes Shut?

This is jus the epitome of being a champ. Dude just sitting in the bar with a 2001 Shockey Jersey absolutely pushing the boundaries of human drinking. What I love about this guy, and what makes him a hero, is that he wasn’t boozing with no hands and his eyes closed for you or me. No. He was just sitting alone, doing this for him. He didn’t care if anyone saw, he didn’t care if it got recorded. But thank god for people like the person who got this all on tape. If she didn’t have the wherewithal to whip out her phone, let alone get some James Cameron-esque camera work, this valiant act of drinking would have fallen by the wayside.

Paris Hilton Drops $230 K At a Bar

Screen Shot 2014-09-29 at 9.03.58 AMParis Hilton left her $13,000 Pomeranian at home and had a blowout night at mega club Marquee Wednesday.

We’re told the hotel heiress joined a table that ordered giant $100,000 bottles of Ace of Spades Champagne, and 11 bottles each of Patrón, Cristal and Grey Goose.

The bill for the booze bonanza came to more than $230,000, says a source, with a $47,000 tip.

Hilton, who made a reported $2.7 million in just four days on her DJ tour, stayed late listening to the sounds of DJ Big Ben, who played a few of her songs through the night.

We’re told the recently single-again heiress “was enjoying being the center of attention.”

She’s currently searching for an NYC apartment.

Via Page Six

 

This is why it’s just ridiculous how rich people like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian are. I mean one is lucky enough to just have the Hilton name, and the other is the most famous porn star of all time, and that allows them to just drop ridiculous amounts of money at bars like this. What’s this about her fucking DJ tour? Is that the biggest load of bullshit ever? Being a DJ nowadays literally means pressing “shuffle” and then “play” and Paris Hilton makes almost three million dollars doing that for three days?! Nuts.

I also fundamentally don’t understand bottle service at clubs. Like a bottle of vodka goes from being $32 at a liquor store to $120 just because someone is bringing it to you at a club. For people who make normal to higher amounts of money even, that’s just plan ridiculous. It’s sort of like these rich people are just paying for friends and paying to have people around them. And if they’re paying that much for it, they really must be insufferable people.

Ten Percent of Americans Drink Half the Booze

Screen Shot 2014-09-26 at 2.11.48 PMAmericans drink a lot. Or, we should say, some Americans drink a lot. On average, Americans consume 9.2 liters of alcohol per person per year, putting the country in the top 50 most tipsy countries in the world. But according to the Washington Post, more than half of that drinking is done by just 10 percent of the population.

 

Where most people may enjoy a beer or glass of wine from time to time, the heaviest drinkers in the country—the top 10 percent—drink the bulk of the booze:

The top 10 percent of American drinkers – 24 million adults over age 18 – consume, on average, 74 alcoholic drinks per week. That works out to a little more than four-and-a-half 750 ml bottles of Jack Daniels, 18 bottles of wine, or three 24-can cases of beer. In one week.

Just 10 percent of Americans, which according to the Post most assuredly have drinking problems, account for nearly 60 percent of alcohol sales. “There are a remarkable number of people who drink a couple of six packs a day, or a pint of whiskey,” Philip J. Cook, the public policy professor who came up with these numbers, told the Post, by way of explanation.

 

 

YES. 10% of Americans account for almost 60% of alcohol sales. This dude Philip J Cook just fucking knows us. He knows that we’re the ones drinking a couple six packs a day, or a pint of whiskey. Oh, behave Philip. Can we just revise this to say that 100% of Whiskey on the House readers account for 60% of alcohol sales?

In all honesty though do I now have to wear a top hat and call myself a 1 percenter? Because I kind of already started doing it since reading this article.

Introducing the World’s Smallest Long Island Iced Tea

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Absolutely preposterous. I feel like how I imagine some girls feel when they see those tiny pigs. Just gasping inward in pure adoration at how cute this thing is until you can’t breathe. Now I’ve never actually had a Long Island Iced Tea, but I imagine this thing just tastes like unicorns and rainbows. I mean just look at that baby straw! How long until a midget drink bar opens up? Like it has to happen tomorrow, right?

 

h/t Bob

Woodstock Hot Licks Bourbon and Cinnamon Liqueur Review

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Intro

It takes a man to admit he was wrong. I spent a large chuck of my life believing that any type of cinnamon “whiskey” was the drink of college girls and men with hairless balls.

Woodstock Hot Licks Bourbon slapped me in the face with the dick of truth, and showed me that not all cinnamon whiskies are created equal.

How to Drink it

“I take motherfucking shots of this stuff every morning, noon, afternoon, tea time, evening, night – fuck I even take shots of this shit when I’m asleep. It gives me wet dreams. Its the fucking best fucking shit I’ve ever fucking had the opportunity to take fucking shots of. Fuck.” – Edgar Allan Poe.

 When I first read that quote from my dear friend Mr. Poe, I thought to myself “I need to get that tattooed on my balls”. So I did. Unfortunately, I ran out of sack halfway through the quote. Some might consider this a short sighted disaster, but I don’t. You see, as I grow older, my balls will hang lower. Every year or two I’ll have a little more sack to continue the quote. Mr. Poe may have passed, but he will continue to speak to me for years to come. My scrotum will act as a medium to connect me to the afterlife.
The moral of the story kids, is that this is the best whiskey for taking shots.

Flavor

You pour 1.5 ounces into your cheetah print shot glass that reads “sassy bitch”. As you raise the glass to closer to your face the strong cinnamon smell creeps up your nose and the erection is instant. As you close your eyes you breathe in, and toss the shot down your throat. The sweet and spicy taste is orgasmic. The cinnamon taste so real that you can almost taste the powdering of real cinnamon on your tongue; A phantom sensation you just can’t shake. But the honeymoon is over; You breathe out and wait for the kick…but it never comes. You open your eyes, surprised and pleased; Pouring yourself another, you remember why you’re so intoxicated this early in the night.

Wrap Up

What in the house of fucks.

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