Happy Memorial Day Weekend 2015

 

 

I’m going to be completely honest here and let you know that the Whiskey on the House staff will be calling it quits for the week/spring in approximately eight minutes. Memorial Day Weekend is the greatest weekend of the year. Say goodbye to the shitty weather, and hello to American beer, setting shit on fire, and bad decisions. Hope you all get to enjoy the weather this weekend, and definitely send us proof of you degenerate behavior on twitter @WhiskeyOTHouse. The most American celebrations will certainly get some twitter love.

 

Happy weekend everyone. Go USA.

Mental Health Group Fully Expenses $30,000 Booze Cruise

 

 

ALBANY — That’s one way to cure depression.

New York mental-health- services provider Promoting Specialized Care and Health (PSCH), which contracts with the state to provide services for people with drug addictions and mental disabilities, filed $152,680 worth of inappropriate and prohibited expenses — including a $31,908 booze-cruise and retreat at a swanky spot in Montauk, LI, investigators said Wednesday.

The total cost for the two-day “conference” at the Montauk Yacht Club Resort & Marina was $62,858, and the group sought reimbursement for half of it, said state Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli.

“Lavish parties with alcohol, cruises and extra guests are not allowable,” DiNapoli explained.

“State agencies must make sure that contractors are reimbursed for legitimate expenses only.”

PSCH billed the state $10,723 for alcohol alone.

Modal Trigger Montauk Yacht Club Resort & MarinaPhoto:
It filed $5,064 in reimbursement claims for “extra guests,” and submitted $13,378 in expenses for lodging, according to the comptroller’s audit.

The agency also claimed $98,000 for various other duplicate, unsubstantiated and inappropriate charges from July 1, 2012, through June 30, 2013, DiNapoli said.

PSCH did not respond to calls for comment.

 

Can I get a bipolar? Can I get a seasonal depression disorder? Can I get some PTSD up in here? Can I get an AMEN? Talk about a no brainer. I would gladly trade my facade of mental stability for an all expenses paid booze cruise. Because let’s face it. I’d say we’re all a bit mentally fucked up, it’s just that these people found a way to capitalize on it like True Americans. So my question to the readers is: what’s the easiest way to actually get bipolar? Do I have to get really drunk and happy? And then start crying when I’m hungover? That sounds about right to me. But just in case I will be consulting the world’s finest source on medical information, Google:

 

 

 

 

Give me ten minutes and I’ll be bipolar as all hell, sitting on a booze cruise with a load of cash in my wallet. Peace.

 

 

 

Drunken Mad Men Recap

Anyone who’s anyone loves Mad Men. You can take your fairyland Game of Thrones and shove it up your virgin ass. Mad Men is the show of all shows. Booze, hot chicks, no floppy dongs, and Don fuckin Draper. I don’t care if you’re concerned with spoilers because honestly Mad Men isn’t that type of show. Someone could tell you how the show ends as you’re watching episode 1 of season 1, and it wouldn’t impact your enjoyment or interest on the show whatsoever. So let’s get into it and recap the biggest themes and major events.

 

Weird Last Season

Let’s face it. This last season has been weird. From Bert Cooper’s death, Betty getting cancer, and Pete actually becoming somewhat likeable, it’s needless to say that things have never quite been like this. I attribute this mostly to the fact that they split up the last two seasons, never really letting viewers get a good feel for a continuous season- and that is something that has been absolutely vital to the Mad Men series.

But in typical Mad Men fashion, everything in the final season was a hint to something that has happened previously. The best and perfectly encapsulating example of this is at the final scene:

 

Where Don comes full circle on his life. But more about that later.

 

Betty Gets Cancer

Classic Betty. Talk about everything being way too dramatic with this fucking chick. She doesn’t just get a cold or huts a rib, but she has to get cancer. And then she treats it like a dentist appointment from there on out. Writing weirdly damaging letters to her daughter telling her what kind of dress to put her dead body in, and how to do her hair. Nothing about how to move on with your life and being a strong person (because Betty never grew up), but just shit about how she wanted to look. Perfectly Betty. LOVED Don’s reaction to getting the news from Sally : “Mom has lung cancer” “Hold on babe, let me light a cig and think this one over.”

 

Don’s Big Moment

This took me a little while to fully digest. I have been saying throughout this series that Don was eventually going to turn into a hippie. I have been waiting for him to peace out of SCD&P and trade his suit for a joint. There were always hints of that, and I really thought it was imminent when he went to California for the first time and was finally able to relax, but he never went full flower child. But in perfect Draper fashion, he was finally able to see the full potential of the peace and love movement by coming to terms with his life and feelings, and then (the rest is implied) took advantage of all of the “feelings” shit by making the greatest Coca-Cola commercial of all time. Take that hippies. You thought Don was going to get all emotional on us and then not find a way to commercialize the peace and love movement?

The Hug

When in the “circle of feelings,” a man told an incredibly touching story about “being on the shelf of the refrigerator.” Basically equating depression and lonliness to only seeing the light when someone opens the fridge, and then goes back into depression when the person looking into the fridge doesn’t “choose” him and shuts the door, leaving him in the dark. This man has always felt uninteresting, and felt like no one ever truly loved him. This led Don to stand up, walk across the circle, and eventually hug this man while he finished up his story. Why? Because Don finally realized that he’s had these people around him his whole life. Sally, Betty, Roger, Cooper, Joan, and most notably, Peggy. People that truly love him, but he’s never been able to see that and open up to them to have two way communication of trust. That hit Don at his core, as he’s always been the one to command all the attention when he walks in a room, but still felt empty inside.

 

More to come later, but I wanted to get my initial thoughts out there.

Chicks are Claiming That “Whiskey Vagina” Is a Real Thing (Or As They Call it, Whiskey DryGina)

Whiskey vagina may be the reason you're not getting wet

 

According to a new study published in the Journal of Sex Research, which included 18 females, booze is a total killjoy when it comes to getting it on and *really* getting off.

The study, which kept each participant at different blood alcohol levels before watching pornographic material and masturbating to reach orgasm, found that ‘alcohol‐induced orgasmic dysfunction’ is a very real thing.

Results revealed that: ‘increasing levels of acute alcohol intoxication are related to systematic changes in female orgasmic experience reflected by physiological, behavioural, and cognitive indices’. We knew it.

One too many whiskey cocktails being a major slow down in the sack is no real shocker (whiskey d*ck is also a thing), because, like most things in life, less is more.

The findings ‘suggest that women’s orgasm will occur more readily under conditions of no alcohol consumption’, though let’s be realistic here – we all need some Dutch courage when it comes to getting our sex game on (naked scarf dance).

‘Modest intake of alcohol, however, may be expected to result in greater feelings of sexual arousal, a more enjoyable orgasmic experience, and only a moderate increase in the time it takes to reach orgasm.’

You heard it hear first, ladies – modesty is everything when it comes to avoiding whiskey vag.

Drink wisely, get yours.

Via Metro.uk

 

If ladies think that anyone is actually supposed to believe this, this could possibly the most laugh out loud funny story of 2015. Every single “excuse” that guys have immediately get thrown out by you ladies. Saying we’re tired, too drunk, or have whiskey dick all get tossed aside and chalked up to us being assholes. And while we’re on the subject, I’m a staunch believer that whiskey dick is completely made up. Sure some guys might have issues getting it up when they’re too hammered, but I refuse to believe it has anything to do specifically with whiskey. That just doesn’t make sense. Whiskey has been making babies since ‘Nam. So if I’m going to toss that one completely out, this chick’s vaginas becoming the Sahara after uncorking a bottle of Bulleit bullshit is getting thrown out too. It all leads me to ask: why don’t you ladies just come out and say that you hate having sex with us? It’s fine, we all think you do most of the time anyway. But coming up with stuff like this just makes me laugh.

 

#DryGinaGate

Absolute Loon Hits and Bites His Mom After She Pours His Booze Down the Drain

 

 

A Shippensburg man is in prison after borough police said he hit his 67-year-old mother after she dumped his Jagermeister down the drain.

When the woman tried to call for help, Lance Allen Gillan, no age given, “bit his mother’s hand to get the phone and flush it down the toilet,” according to a news release from the borough police.

Police were called to the 200 block of Senior Drive just after 6:30 p.m. Thursday for a report of a domestic dispute between a mother and son.

Officers discovered that Gillan had already finished one bottle of Jagermeister and had started a second when his mother grabbed the bottle and poured it in the sink, police said.

Police said Gillan responded by hitting his mother on the side of the head.

Gillan is in the Cumberland County Prison on $10,000 bail on charges of simple assault and harassment.

A preliminary hearing is scheduled for May 18.

 

The fact that the booze in question is actually Jager is a complete game changer for this story. This guy is just clearly the scum of the earth, and example for everyone of why it’s absolutely necessary to leave your Jager obsessions in college. If you continue to drink that shit into adulthood, you end up biting and hitting your old mother. I can’t even begin to imagine just how badass this lady is. Clearly saw that her son is a fuck up who still drinks Jager like a loon, and decided something had to be done about it. Now the only thing I’m confused about is this guy’s choice to bite her hand to flush the phone down the toilet. Did he actually think that if the phone breaks that the police wouldn’t show up even though they were already called and explained what the emergency was? Or was he just thinking more of an eye for eye situation? Pour his shitty booze down the drain, put her phone in a different drain? We may never know.

Americans Are Drinking Less, But Spending More on Booze

 

The cost of going out is going up. The culprit this time isn’t bars and restaurants that hike up drink prices. It’s the growing number of Americans who intentionally choose more expensive beers, wine, and cocktails. As drinkers get pickier, their bar tabs get more bloated.

This is just one of recent changes in the way American drink booze. People go out less often. On a given night, they order fewer drinks. Still, they can’t seem to get enough craft beer and fancy cocktails. 

“When consumers do go out, they’re trading up to more expensive drinks,” says Peter Reidhead of the research firm GuestMetrics, which monitors drink sales at 6,000 bars and restaurants. Wines costing more than $10 a glass now make up 48 percent of the volume of wine sold, GuestMetrics data show. Craft beers make up 31 percent of all beer sales at bars and restaurants. Both categories saw their market share grow about 6.5 percent in the past year. Bartenders generally charge $6 for a craft beer, Reidhead says, versus about $4.25 for a domestic mainstream beer.

 

At grocery stores and liquor stores, drinkers are also choosing to pay more for specialty or high-quality options. Buyers are generally paying 5 percent to 7 percent more than they did two years ago, according to Nielsen, which tracks in-store alcohol sales. That’s not primarily because stores are hiking prices. “It’s more a reflection of consumers trading up,” says Danelle Kosmal, vice president of Nielsen’s Beverage Alcohol Practice.

Because of consumer tastes, the number of small craft breweries is booming. Many are brewing at or near their capacity, says Bart Watson, staff economist at the Brewers Association. Even Congress has noticed. Two competing bills—one preferred by craft brewers and one by larger beer companies and distributors—would lower excise taxes on beer to encourage small breweries to get bigger.  

 

All this report makes me think is that Americans are drinking stupid. The balance of power in terms of quality over quantity is way out of whack in this country. We’re far too obsessed with craft beer and craft everything. And don’t get me wrong I love craft beer, but I also love getting drunk. And I will not rest until I see American taking it’s rightful place at the top of the drunkest countries in the world list. We’re coming for that ass, Russia.

 

Bears Are Stepping Up In The World of Massachusetts

Police in northwestern Massachusetts offered an important reminder Monday night: Getting drunk and chasing bears through the woods with a dull hatchet is “strongly not advised.”

“Yes that really did happen tonight,” the North Adams Police Department posted on Facebook.

“We certainly don’t need anyone going all Davy Crockett chasing it through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet,” they added. “It is just a bad idea and not going to end well. It will however, certainly end you up in jail … which it did.”

The police department wrote that the “hatchet man” was taken into protective custody due to his inebriation.

Black bears are becoming more common in Massachusetts, according to the state office of Energy and Environmental Affairs, and they’re moving east. Experts believethere may be around 4,500 bears in the state, reported CBS Boston.

The state of Massachusetts offers some important tips for bear sightings:

If a bear is sighted in town, leave the animal alone. In most situations, if left alone, the bear will return to the forest on its own. Keep dogs under control. Stay away from the bear and advise others to do the same. Often a bear will climb a tree to avoid people. A gathering of people not only stresses the animal, but it adds the risk of having a bear chased out into traffic or into a group of bystanders.

VIA

Good thing I write for WOTH, because if I hadn’t read this there is no way I would have known that the bears in Massachusetts are increasing in number. It’s like the start of a war, the bears will attack and our only defense was this drunk dude who was trying to stop that bear from living before it did something evil. It’s kind of like all those people who say they would kill Osama or Hitler before they grew up even if it looked like they were just killing regular kids. That bear one way or another will end up being the head honcho of the regime when bears decide that they have had enough of our human ways, I mean these things are like 6 times our size and they climb up trees to avoid us? That just seems insane, its like the chubby middle school bully hiding in lockers from the scrawny kids he bullies, it just doesn’t make sense. Next thing you know it’s going to be like the Kangaroo epidemic in Australia and it’s going to be our job to kill as many as we can to keep the numbers down. Kangaroo Jack was a homie at first but then he lead the front line charge of the Kangaroos when he finally had enough of the Aussie ways and the bears are taking note. Im putting the zombie plan on hold and trying to figure out a bear plan, because if the bear problem is still a problem and zombies show up, there will be zombie bears and thats just a terrifying thought. Good luck to all you Massachusetts WOTH readers and stay safe.

People Are Pissed At Bud Light’s Recent #UpForWhatever Campaign

Light

Bud Light continues to creep people out with the implied lechery of its “up for whatever” marketing campaign. The latest apparent gaffe from the country’s most popular watery beer is a tagline reminding drinkers that Bud Light is a go-to beverage for turning a “no” into a “yes.”

As posted on reddit, the tagline on this Bud Light bottle reads:

“The perfect beer for removing “no” from your vocabulary for the night,” followed by the requisite “#UpForWhatever” hashtag, because being “up for whatever” obviously means “spreading Bud Light’s marketing message in a way that can be tracked and quantified by our social media team.”

Given the role that alcohol plays in many things that would have been a “no” without a night a drinking — driving under the influence, sexual assault, vandalism, public urination, random “woot-woot”-ing as you ping-pong down the sidewalk — it’s probably not the best idea for a multinational multibillion-dollar business like Bud Light’s parent company AB InBev to publicly acknowledge that its product can lead users down a path to stupid consequences.

This reddit comment sums it up perfectly: “remember “No” always means “No”….especially if the question is: do you want a bud light?”

Bud Light came under fire during the St. Patrick’s holiday in March when its Twitter account suggested that being “up for whatever” meant randomly assaulting people on the street who dared to not wear green (and those who did wear green, because #UpForWhatever, right?). The company apologized to those who “misunderstood” its intentions, much like some people who turn a “no” into a “yes” will probably be doing a lot of apologizing (possibly from behind bars) the next morning.

We’ve written to Bud Light for comment on this tagline and will update if we hear anything back.

Via

So I am going to go about this in a very careful way so I don’t go about offending anyone because that’s not what I am about, but if you really want to see something you will see it. Do I think Bud Light wrote this just to piss people off? Maybe I mean it’s free advertisement and they’re a big company who plays by their own rules, I sure as hell don’t get paid by Bud Light for writing this article talking about them and giving them publicity, but it’s basically advertisement especially when it goes on the front page of reddit, you now have millions, if not billions of people looking at this picture of Bud Light which basically was free for Bud Light. It’s a lesser version of Rolling Stone putting Dzhokarhar Tsarnaev on the cover of their magazine saying that he was a promising man that was failed by society, they knew it would piss people off, but here I am almost two years later remembering the cover of a magazine that I would never have none otherwise.

At the same time, you can’t blame Bud Light for the stupid things that the people who drink their beer do, people do stupid  things while drunk anyways whether or not their beer tells them “no” is not in their vocabulary. You can’t say that #upforwhatever will directly cause sexual assault, driving under the influence, vandalism and what not, them saying that isn’t saying that they condone such activities and want people to do those things, they’re just telling people to keep an open mind. Do I think that it’s right for them to do? I don’t agree with it but I’m not going to let it effect me at all. They can do their thing and us at WOTH will do our thing.

People are “Falling Back in Love” With Irish Whiskey

 

 

At the New Midleton Distillery just outside of Cork, Ireland, three of the world’s largest operating copper stills stand two stories high, visible through floor to ceiling glass windows on the outside.

The hand-hammered beauties hold over 75,000 liters of liquid, Jameson Irish whiskey, to be precise. The company has three more arriving in 2017.

At any given time, Jameson is aging over a million casks of whiskey and loses 29,000 bottles a day to angels’ share alone (angels’ share is the natural 2-plus percent evaporation of alcohol that occurs while aging in barrels).

Based on these few numbers alone you’d think everyone in the world was drinking Jameson with breakfast. But who is drinking all this Irish whiskey?

Turns out Irish has been on a tear for two decades. And it’s largely because Irish whiskey is consistently better tasting and higher quality than it was back then, says Lew Bryson, author of Tasting Whiskey.

At one point, French liquor giant Pernod Ricard owned two of the largest Irish whiskey brands, Bushmills and Jameson, and “sank large amounts of money” researching how to make the whiskeys better and more consistent, he says.

That investment’s now paying off in spades and allowing Irish whiskey, which in the last century nearly disappeared, to revive and prosper.

Irish whiskey sales in the U.S. alone have jumped by over 500 percent since 2002, according to the Distilled Spirits Council of the United States (DISCUS). It’s the fastest growing category in the spirits industry, and yet Irish whiskey still makes up a mere five percent of the whiskey category.

“When you drink scotch, you picture being at home by the fire, plotting the downfall of your enemies. With Irish you picture being at the bar with friends.”
Though new Irish whiskey labels are finding space on liquor store shelves and 29 new Irish whiskey distilleries are expected to open in the next decade, according to Tim Herlily, U.S. brand ambassador for Tullamore DEW, most of the growth is attributed to large brands who are attracting new, loyal drinkers.

Herlily says Tullamore DEW, which is owned by large liquor player William Grant & Sons, has been growing steadily and currently sells 140,000 cases annually in the U.S.

“Irish whiskey has transitioned from being a shot-with-a-beer to a ‘plus-one’ drunk with a mixer, most notably ginger ale. Irish and ginger has exploded, and made Irish whiskey quite popular,” Bryson says. “That’s taken Irish [whiskey] out of the ‘old white guy; ghetto and into the mainstream. Add in the growing popularity of all things Irish, the explosion of Irish pubs around the world, and you’ve got a great recipe for success.”

Via the Daily Beast

This article is long as shit so I’ll spare you the pain. Basically it’s saying that young people are buying more and more Irish whiskey because it seems cooler than any other kind of whiskey. Which I think is bullshit. Anyone who pictures a leather sofa by a fire when thinking about scotch, or about cowboys when thinking about bourbon is a god damn moron who probably has never drank whiskey a day in their life. But hey, it’s great that Irish whiskey is getting some love because I feel like the opposite conclusion is true. I think that Irish and Canadian have fallen incredibly behind in this whole whiskey burst. Bourbon and rye have absolutely fucking exploded, Scotch is always a constant, and I feel like Irish and Canadian haven’t really caught fire just yet. But Irish does have something about it that makes it more casual. Maybe it’s because Jameson is used in so many seedy, degenerate-like drinks that are purely awesome. So go ahead, Irish, carve out your niche in the whiskey world as the cooler cousin of Scotch.

Liquor Cleanse Horror Stories

So I’m moving apartments in about a week. And as everyone knows, the first order of business is to figure out which booze you want to move and crack open the night that you move, and which booze you need to get rid of. And I’m no neanderthal so everytime I move, I stage a Liquor Cleanse: first establish a sacrificial liquor cleanse box at the beginning of the last week that you’re living in your apartment (or really any week that you have a booze buildup problem). Everyone in your house/apartment needs to finish off as many bottles as they can, regardless of how full or how empty they were to begin the week. Whoever finishes off the least amount of bottles is deemed the house “Native American Bitch Whore,” and they need to wear that title proudly until the next Liquor Cleanse comes around.

Now. Back to what’s most important. Me. I’m fucking ruined right now. It might be a good problem to have, but too much of my good booze was deemed for the night that I move. Leaving me with a bunch of fucking nightmare-fuel whiskey. Red Stag Black Cherry. Some weird no-label Canadian whiskey. I was able to finish off the Red Stag with shots alone since there was barely any left, but this Canadian no-name stuff just might be the death of me. And I’m only guessing that it’s Canadian because it tastes like shit. Lord have mercy. Please send help.