So Apparently America is Running out of Whiskey

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Whether you prefer your whiskey (or bourbon) on the rocks, neat, or with a diet coke, you should know that your little libation is endangered. Or as Punch so emphatically puts it, you should “brace yourself” because “the whiskey apocalypse is coming.”

Ominous, indeed – this whiskey warning comes from Buffalo Trace, one of the oldest distilleries in the country, explains Smithsonian Magazine. Apparently, producers have seen the problem coming but “its impacts are just now beginning to hit the market and will likely only worsen” in the future reports the article.

And to even further your worries (sorry, folks), Buffalo Trace released a statement this month claiming that due to the “bourbon boom… shortages still remain.”

“Despite the increase in distillation over the past few years, bourbon demand still outpaces supply. The overall bourbon category is experiencing 5% growth, but premium brands are up nearly 20% from last year… The increase in sales, coupled with the aging process and evaporation loss, leads to a shortage with no end in sight.”

Yeah – that doesn’t sound good.

Esquire also points out that as “demand for whiskey goes up, quality goes down.” The article points out Maker’s Mark PR disaster last year when the distillery tried to “water down their bourbon.” This means, finding high quality whiskies could get a lot more difficult in the future.

So, what’s a whiskey drinker to do? Well, not drinking whiskey clearly isn’t a viable option. So, as Esquire suggests, we also recommend you “buy as much as you can afford today.”

The end is near (sort of), so stock up on high quality whiskey – the good stuff – while you still can!

Via BostInno

So by now you’ve probably all heard this one before. Basically that all of America is suddenly obsessed with whiskey and we’re almost out. Well nice try Buffalo Trace but you can’t sneak this one past Whiskey on the House. This is a complete media stir to create more demand if I’ve ever seen one (I’ve never seen one). Buffalo Trace definitely just wants to say there’s a shortage so they can a) raise prices   b) lower quality without complaints c) keep demand rising until there actually is a shortage, so they can do it all again. Bullshit. Think your fake shortage scares me? Think again assholes. I love how they point to “evaporation loss.” It’s 2016 bro. I understand they still probably use the same method great Grandad Jimbo came up with shitfaced, but we got technology now. Don’t sit there and tell me you’re all just sitting around watching our whiskey evaporate and not having any clue what to do about it. So to our readers I’d like to pump the breaks on this whole whiskey story and advise everyone to go about their drinking as normal. Now excuse me while I run to the packie to buy an ungodly amount of whiskey. What, me worried?

 

World’s Oldest Cat, Named “Whiskey,” Dies Like A Little Bitch

 

 

A blind British cat claiming the title of the world’s oldest has died a month after his 30th birthday.

Born on August 1 1985, black and white pet Whiskey lived an equivalent of 138 human years.

Owner Lorraine Arnott, 34, was only five when he was born and they have been inseparable ever since. But when he began to lose weight and struggled to walk last week, she knew it was time for him to be put down – at 30 years, one month and 10 days old.

Ms Arnott, a school transport assistant, said: “He had been ill for a few days and he could not stand up. Unfortunately, it was time to say goodbye and I could not see him suffer. I wish it was me that died, I have lost everything and I’ve got nothing left.

“He was better than any brother or boyfriend. There will be no replacement for him. He used to give lovely kisses by putting his paws on my chest and started kissing me on the lips.”

‘It was time to say goodbye and I could not see him suffer. I wish it was me that died, I have lost everything and I’ve got nothing left…’
– Whiskey’s owner Lorraine Arnott
Ms Arnott, from Aston Clinton, Buckinghamshire, buried Whiskey – who was on medication for his ailing kidneys – in the garden on Friday, September 11.

Revealing the secret to his long life, she said she had always fed Whiskey a low-protein diet during his adult life.

“But he was fussy,” said Ms Arnott. “He’d always have a roast dinner with chicken or lamb too. In his last days, he ate 10 sachets of Morrisons cat food and he loved it. I gave him lots of love and he always slept under my duvet. He was always warm.”

Tributes to the well-loved cat have been pouring in from friends and fans and Ms Arnott expects as many cards to come in as when her other cat Rosie died aged 25. She said Whiskey’s mother, Lady, lived until 27.

Whiskey survived a fire at his home last year and Ms Arnott said he put his paw over his face to stop him breathing in smoke.

He was born with both ovaries and testes, but after an operation he was firmly a male. He lost his eyesight as a result of kidney failure.

Via The Telegraph UK

 

I hate pretty much everything about this story. First and foremost, fuck this world’s oldest cat. Little piece of shit lasts like a billion years, constantly plotting its silent revenge against its owner, and by all signs it never even did anything. But that’s why they call them pussies, I guess. That’s the thing with cats. Everything about them is geared towards killing humans, but they’re just too stupid to act on any of it. They walk around your house all day avoiding you, yet they’ll dart out right when you’re about to walk down the stairs. Coincidence? For sure not. It absolutely stuns me that there are people in 2016 who are actually interested in this old fucking cat. We have major cities, the internet, and even god damn handle-less segways, yet people are rallying around an old cat. An old fucking cat. That is absolutely mind bottling to me.

The overriding issue here, however, is that we’re using the human year/ cat year conversion on cats. Cats don’t get that privilege! You can translate dog years into human years because dogs are obsessed with us. They want to be human, they want to be aged in human years. Cats want your next human year to be your last one. So fuck giving them the dignity. This stupid cat died at the young age of 30. Like a little bitch.

Some Psycho Built A Robot To Drink With and Its Creepy As Hell

Via

Robots freak me out plan and simple, there is honestly no need for robots, our parents, grandparents and so forth lived and survived without the help of robots and we should do the same. You’ve all seen the movies where everything is going well, robots make everyones life easier and all of a sudden they go berserk and kill everyone in their sights, why risk this? So we don’t need to do housework? So we don’t need to do certain jobs? And now so we don’t drink alone? That just seems insane to me that someone decided that drinking alone was so sad that it would be better for a robot to “drink” with you. Now the best part of drinking with someone is to chill with them, you don’t drink with someone to watch them drink when you do, you drink with someone to have a good time, maybe play some Chel, Halo, card games or whatever floats your boat. Now this robot just stores the alcohol in what looks like a mason jar, lights its cheeks up and giver you a thumbs up. How is that not creepy to anyone else? This dude built a robot to drink with because he didn’t have a friend or a girlfriend to drink with. If you think this makes drinking with it seem less lonely and you enjoy this than you are delusional and will be the reason us reasonable people become prey to the robots.

Old Guy Walks Into Wrong House, Refuses to Leave The Couch or Stop Drinking Whiskey

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SPOKANE VALLEY, Wash. — George Martin was having a nice evening last Thursday, sitting on the couch, watching TV and drinking whiskey. It probably would have been even better without those two kids trying to get him to leave their house.

According to the Spokane Sheriff’s Office, 15-year-old boy was playing with a friend outside his house in the 13400 block of East 12th Avenue around 5 p.m. when his friend went inside to see what time it was.

The teens were shocked to find a man, later identified as the 44-year-old Martin, sitting on the couch and drinking from a large bottle of whiskey, according to the Sheriff’s Office.

Martin reportedly refused to leave the house, so the teens grabbed a knife and locked themselves in the basement before calling 911.

According to the Sheriff’s Office, deputies arrived to find Martin sitting on the couch and watching TV with a bottle of whiskey on the table next to him.

Martin reportedly thought he was at a Spokane address more than 10 miles away to meet someone named “Jeanie.” 

According to the Sheriff’s Office, Martin was confused how he got into the house, telling deputies, “Maybe I shimmied through that window” while pointing to a window that was sealed tight with duct tape. It appears he actually came in through the unlocked front door.

Martin was arrested for investigation of criminal trespassing.

Via Komo News

Someone get this guy a fucking trophy. Such an absolute head scratching, unbelievable power move here. Ever wander down the wrong aisle in a parking lot? That’s a lot like this situation that good old George Martin found himself in. Except instead of just pressing his alarm button on his keys and finding his “car,” George decided to just sit down, crack open a bottle of whiskey, and make an afternoon out of it. I wonder where that girl Jeannie was? Psht, probably at a house that she actually has the keys to, what a dumbass. I also absolutely love his response to the police questioning. “Hey George, how’d you get into this house that totally isn’t yours, by the way? Fuck, maybe I shimmied through that window, maybe I came down the chimney, maybe go fuck yourself.” George fucking Martin everybody, badass everywhere you look. Someone get me this guy’s info, I don’t want him to be our editor, I need it.

 

 

I Think Johnny Football Might Be a Genius

 

Take THAT, Cleveland. Listen the fact that the Browns and America in general has ever gotten on Johnny Football for being a human being is fucking unbelievable to me. Do they know that their team is in Cleveland? CLEVELAND! As in you NEED to be drunk just to stave off the whole suicide vibe of that entire city. He’s just trying to play out his contract, and the way for him or anyone else to survive in Cleveland is to be completely altered at all times. Sure, if he’s getting hammered on road games that’s one thing (depending on where- if you’re getting drunk before playing the Patriots that’s acceptable because it’s depressing knowing there’s zero percent chance you’re even going to be in the game), but at home? It’s Cleveland!

French Guy Dies After Taking 56 Shots of Booze

ebeae69698d8c3176c89188a97aaf911c08e01c05009843ace5d214c640ab5caThe victim, aged 57, had been out with friends at a bar in the centre of Clermont-Ferrand where he took part in a drinking competition where participants competed to see who could down the most shots.

The man was a clear winner after he took a total of 56 shots of vodka, rum and whisky in succession. But his victory came at a price.

As he headed home at around 2am with friends, he fell into a alcohol coma. He was taken to hospital but died the next day.

“Getting dead drunk used to be seen as degrading, now it’s seen as a positive thing,” Laurent Gerbaud, professor of public health at the Clermont Ferrand university hospital told France Info radio. “We are seeing a new type of competition emerge.”

Police are now investigating what responsibility the bartender has in the man’s death.

“The simple act of serving alcohol to a drunk person is an offence,” local prosecutor Laure Lehugeur told France Info. “After that you can take them to court for manslaughter, which today remains to be seen as the investigation is not over.”

The incident comes after France announced plans to combat binge drinking among young people earlier this month.

If the bill is passes, people who encourage minors to drink excessively could face a year behind bars and a €15,000 fine. And anyone who incites others to “drink until drunk” could face up to six months in prison as well as a fine into the thousands.

 

Dear God. Well this is a drinking competition just like you see in the movies. But I never thought it would have actually happened in real life in France of all places. They seem more like a “eat snails until you forfeit a war” type of people, but I digress. 56 fucking shots? Dude is an absolute legend of the game. What’s this lady saying with “the simple act of serving alcohol to a drunk person is an offence?” What? Yeah sure, serving shot number 13-56 is pretty fucking offensive, but if I’m already drunk and I’m asking for one more, believe me, I will not be offended if you pour it for me. That’s classic backwards French thinking right there. Anyway, there needs to be a shrine for this guy and we needed it yesterday. End of story.

Happy Holidays: Two Dudes in Texas Shoot Up a Party After Losing in Beer Pong

bpSOURCE – After getting vanquished in a beer pong match, a group of sore losers opened fire early yesterday at a Texas house party, wounding a female reveler, police report. According to the Liberty County Sherriff’s Office, investigators are searching for two men who allegedly shot up the party after losing at the beer pong table. Deputies identified the suspects as Decoris “Red” Rucker, 24, and Chris “Crazy Chris” Hackett. Rucker and Hackett were among a group of five men who became upset after losing a backyard beer pong game. The men, witnesses said, ran from the home while firing wildly at partygoers. An 18-year-old woman was shot in the thigh during the gunfire.

 

With the names of “Red” and “Crazy Chris” I’m assuming this isn’t the first time guns have been the answer upon losing at something. The way I see it, they probably lost to the poor 18 year old chick who must have kicked their asses pretty good. These guys had to be the biggest asshole sore losers on the face of the Earth, right? We’ve all played beirut/beer pong with these kinds of guys. Doesn’t matter how nice they are off the court, they just turn into the biggest d-bags in the heat of the game. Calling elbows, bouncing the ball, and ruining friendships over trivial rules because they fundamentally don’t understand the fact that beer pong is fun because everyone plays with different rules. Now, I’m also assuming these guys weren’t playing with home court advantage. Because if a house rule is Crazy Chris and Red Robin or whatever get to shoot you if they lose, the police can’t do anything. Beer pong house rules overrule almost everything. Now excuse me while I go revise my own house rules.

Have Thanksgiving Leftovers? Turn Them Into Booze!

Listen, I’m not going to sugar coat it. Today kind of sucks. You’re a little bit fatter today from all the food you’ve eaten over the last week, you’re a little bit dumber today due to all the booze you drank last week, and to make matters worse, you just have more and more stuffing to go home to, making you fatter and dumber all the way up until Christmas, and then you do it all over again.

But what’s the best way to solve that problem? Go to the gym? Cut down on calories? Nope. Those are probably the worst things you could be thinking of doing at the moment. The real answer here is to take those Thanksgiving leftovers, turn them in to booze, and then drink them. Because everyone knows that your body handles liquid way better than solids, so you’ll just piss out the calories and call it a day. Here’s how to do it:

 

Cranberry Sauce Cosmo

Cranberry sauce kind of sucks if we’re being honest. It doesn’t really belong on the Thanksgiving dinner table, but it does come in the clutch when you’re making your famous Thanksgiving leftover sandwich. But other than that it’s completely useless. Here’s how to make something not as useless, but still kind of useless (it’s a cosmo):

Ingredients

1 ounce vodka

2 1/2 ounces cranberry granita

1/2 ounce freshly squeezed lime juice

Preparation

1. Heat up your leftover cranberry sauce on the stove for about 5 or 10 minutes and add in some water/sugar until it basically is cranberry syrup. Then throw that shit in the freezer and let it freeze.

2. Follow this recipe for the remainder of the ingredients.

3. Place all ingredients into a cocktail shaker and shake until granita melts. Pour into a martini glass and garnish with a twist of lemon. Consume liberally with leftover turkey.

 

Pumpkin Pie Milkshake

If you’re like me, you’re waking up today legitimately 10 pounds heavier. You just hate yourself. Reminds you of this:

 

 

And we all know that as human beings, when your body gets used to this much food intake, you have to just keep it going so you don’t die. So why not take that pumpkin pie and make it into a boozey shake?

 

Ingredients

1 slice pumpkin pie

1/2 cup milk (Use 2% if you want, but really, who are you kidding? Use whole milk.)

2 scoops vanilla ice cream

At least 1 billion shots Fireball whiskey or any whiskey

Preparation

Throw all that shit into a blender and then drink it.

 

 

 

Virginia Booze Stores Holding Black Friday Sales

black-friday-shopping-620km111612-1363290612State booze stores gets in on Black Friday rush

RICHMOND, Va. (AP) — Virginia Alcohol Beverage Control stores will again offer discounts on Black Friday this year.

The Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control says all of its stores will offer 10 percent off any purchases totaling $50 or more before taxes. Lottery and gift cards are excluded from consideration.

ABC Chairman Jeff Painter says the discounts allow customers to buy premium brands at reduced prices for gifts and holiday entertaining.

Last week the Alcoholic Beverage Control Board voted to adopt a series of “revenue enhancements” that included higher warehouse handling fees paid by manufacturers and a small increase in bottle prices. 

Last year, ABC sales on the day after Thanksgiving totaled more than $5 million, down about 15 percent from the same day in 2012.

Customers also will be able to register for a special drawing for an $80 gift card in honor of the agency’s 80th anniversary. The drawing will be Dec. 17.

Whoa. Hold. The. Phone. This is some good, old fashioned, American thinking right here. I’ve never gone out for Black Friday because the thought of being at any Wal Mart on a god damn regular Tuesday scares the shit out of me, let alone with 5000 people all around me. But I can dig this. This is something that I can stay up, push past the turkey nap, and go fucking bananas at. Throwing elbows, tackling people, smashing bottles over people in line. This is so fucking smart. Everyone will be flooding Best Buy and the mall on Friday morning, but now we can all raid our nearest liquor store, raid it, and walk home. Done.

Drunk Lady with Video Game Knife Throwing Precision Will Fuck up Your Thanksgiving

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Jacklyn Blake, 47, from Pennsylvania, confessed to the attack when Police arrived at the scene on Thursday. Her boyfriend was discovered clutching a towel to his chest, but was later hospitalised with non-life-threatening injuries.

Blake has since been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, reckless endangerment, and simple assault.

The unnamed boyfriend told police that Blake had been severely inebriated earlier in the day and chased him around the couple’s dining room, before stabbing him and throwing the knife, which resulted in a cut just below the left eye.

Via Metro.co.uk
Okay, we’ve all been in a situation kind of like this where you’re a kid, you sit down with your food on thanksgiving, you’re extremely hungry and don’t want to wait for your elders to get their food so you start eating, all of a sudden your mom catches you and smacks you with a wooden spoon for not waiting for everyone else. This kind of is exactly what happened here; just instead of a spoon to the back of the head it was a knife to the chest. Secondly, I want to admire this lady’s knife throwing game. Not only did she hit her target, she managed to hit it with the pointy side if the knife which in itself is near impossible, all while her boyfriend was running around, AND all while she was drunk! I can’t even throw a knife so the sharp part hits, I always end up getting nothing but handle. You do you Pennsylvania, you do you.