It’s Time: You Can Now Drink Fall Beers Without Being an Asshole. Also, Fall brew Reviews Now Live.

 

Fall beer has quickly become a weirdly divisive topic. Some people love fall/pumpkin beers, some people hate them. Some people go straight to Twitter to complain that late August is far too early for liquor stores to sell pumpkin beers (and they’re right), and other people count down the days until they can pop on their flannels and begin to pound some Shipyard Pumpkinheads. Well when you’re looking for correct booze opinions, you go straight to this website to tell you what the reality is. The reality is summer is dead. Finished. The second labor day is over, summer is officially in the rearview mirror. Labor Day Monday is the ultimate hangover, look yourself in the mirror and re-evaluate day. You’ve been drinking beer all summer from Thursday to Monday. You’ve been sitting in the sun all summer. It’s time to go inside. Colder weather is coming unless you live in the fairytale land parts of the country where it’s just disgustingly hot all the time. So now is when you can officially begin to go drink fall and/or pumpkin beers. Congrats, you’ve made it.

 

But know what the fucking problem is? A ton of fall beers blow. Some taste like weird pumpkin pies that Grandma Bertrude had accidentally left in her convection oven for a few years and you just discovered it now because she’s dead. Ok a little dark on the analogy there but I’ll chalk it up to being in the Halloween spirit. Bottom line is we got your back. We are going to bite the bullet so to speak and try as many fall beers as we can and more importantly, we’re going to tell you which ones suck and which ones are worth having, and in which setting. We’ll tell you which beers you can play beer pong with, which beers to sip casually with your buddies watching football, and which beers you shouldn’t even clean your toilet with. Our first up is going to be Foolproof’s weirdly named Peanut Butter Raincloud dropping on your eyeballs on Thursday. So gear up, get ready, and happy fall.

So Apparently America is Running out of Whiskey

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Whether you prefer your whiskey (or bourbon) on the rocks, neat, or with a diet coke, you should know that your little libation is endangered. Or as Punch so emphatically puts it, you should “brace yourself” because “the whiskey apocalypse is coming.”

Ominous, indeed – this whiskey warning comes from Buffalo Trace, one of the oldest distilleries in the country, explains Smithsonian Magazine. Apparently, producers have seen the problem coming but “its impacts are just now beginning to hit the market and will likely only worsen” in the future reports the article.

And to even further your worries (sorry, folks), Buffalo Trace released a statement this month claiming that due to the “bourbon boom… shortages still remain.”

“Despite the increase in distillation over the past few years, bourbon demand still outpaces supply. The overall bourbon category is experiencing 5% growth, but premium brands are up nearly 20% from last year… The increase in sales, coupled with the aging process and evaporation loss, leads to a shortage with no end in sight.”

Yeah – that doesn’t sound good.

Esquire also points out that as “demand for whiskey goes up, quality goes down.” The article points out Maker’s Mark PR disaster last year when the distillery tried to “water down their bourbon.” This means, finding high quality whiskies could get a lot more difficult in the future.

So, what’s a whiskey drinker to do? Well, not drinking whiskey clearly isn’t a viable option. So, as Esquire suggests, we also recommend you “buy as much as you can afford today.”

The end is near (sort of), so stock up on high quality whiskey – the good stuff – while you still can!

Via BostInno

So by now you’ve probably all heard this one before. Basically that all of America is suddenly obsessed with whiskey and we’re almost out. Well nice try Buffalo Trace but you can’t sneak this one past Whiskey on the House. This is a complete media stir to create more demand if I’ve ever seen one (I’ve never seen one). Buffalo Trace definitely just wants to say there’s a shortage so they can a) raise prices   b) lower quality without complaints c) keep demand rising until there actually is a shortage, so they can do it all again. Bullshit. Think your fake shortage scares me? Think again assholes. I love how they point to “evaporation loss.” It’s 2016 bro. I understand they still probably use the same method great Grandad Jimbo came up with shitfaced, but we got technology now. Don’t sit there and tell me you’re all just sitting around watching our whiskey evaporate and not having any clue what to do about it. So to our readers I’d like to pump the breaks on this whole whiskey story and advise everyone to go about their drinking as normal. Now excuse me while I run to the packie to buy an ungodly amount of whiskey. What, me worried?

 

World’s Oldest Cat, Named “Whiskey,” Dies Like A Little Bitch

 

 

A blind British cat claiming the title of the world’s oldest has died a month after his 30th birthday.

Born on August 1 1985, black and white pet Whiskey lived an equivalent of 138 human years.

Owner Lorraine Arnott, 34, was only five when he was born and they have been inseparable ever since. But when he began to lose weight and struggled to walk last week, she knew it was time for him to be put down – at 30 years, one month and 10 days old.

Ms Arnott, a school transport assistant, said: “He had been ill for a few days and he could not stand up. Unfortunately, it was time to say goodbye and I could not see him suffer. I wish it was me that died, I have lost everything and I’ve got nothing left.

“He was better than any brother or boyfriend. There will be no replacement for him. He used to give lovely kisses by putting his paws on my chest and started kissing me on the lips.”

‘It was time to say goodbye and I could not see him suffer. I wish it was me that died, I have lost everything and I’ve got nothing left…’
– Whiskey’s owner Lorraine Arnott
Ms Arnott, from Aston Clinton, Buckinghamshire, buried Whiskey – who was on medication for his ailing kidneys – in the garden on Friday, September 11.

Revealing the secret to his long life, she said she had always fed Whiskey a low-protein diet during his adult life.

“But he was fussy,” said Ms Arnott. “He’d always have a roast dinner with chicken or lamb too. In his last days, he ate 10 sachets of Morrisons cat food and he loved it. I gave him lots of love and he always slept under my duvet. He was always warm.”

Tributes to the well-loved cat have been pouring in from friends and fans and Ms Arnott expects as many cards to come in as when her other cat Rosie died aged 25. She said Whiskey’s mother, Lady, lived until 27.

Whiskey survived a fire at his home last year and Ms Arnott said he put his paw over his face to stop him breathing in smoke.

He was born with both ovaries and testes, but after an operation he was firmly a male. He lost his eyesight as a result of kidney failure.

Via The Telegraph UK

 

I hate pretty much everything about this story. First and foremost, fuck this world’s oldest cat. Little piece of shit lasts like a billion years, constantly plotting its silent revenge against its owner, and by all signs it never even did anything. But that’s why they call them pussies, I guess. That’s the thing with cats. Everything about them is geared towards killing humans, but they’re just too stupid to act on any of it. They walk around your house all day avoiding you, yet they’ll dart out right when you’re about to walk down the stairs. Coincidence? For sure not. It absolutely stuns me that there are people in 2016 who are actually interested in this old fucking cat. We have major cities, the internet, and even god damn handle-less segways, yet people are rallying around an old cat. An old fucking cat. That is absolutely mind bottling to me.

The overriding issue here, however, is that we’re using the human year/ cat year conversion on cats. Cats don’t get that privilege! You can translate dog years into human years because dogs are obsessed with us. They want to be human, they want to be aged in human years. Cats want your next human year to be your last one. So fuck giving them the dignity. This stupid cat died at the young age of 30. Like a little bitch.

Drunken Brew Review: Narragansett Coffe Milk Stout

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Intro

Do you love iced coffee? Do you walk to Dunkin or wherever you go (besides Starbucks because fuck Starbucks) no matter how cold and shitty it is outside, and order an iced coffee every single time? Did you just answer those questions in your own head? Well guess what, pal, those were a little trick called rhetorical questions. Narragansett Coffee Milk Stout is pretty much an iced coffee with booze in it, and it’s unbelievably and undeniably awesome.

Color

Black. It looks like black coffee. Not much else to say. There’s a nice head of foam that comes when pouring it into a glass that closely resembles coffee with cream/milk in it. Are you getting the hint that this stuff tastes like coffee?

Flavor

Here we go. So much to your surprise, this beer tastes exactly like coffee. More specifically, it tastes like the perfect balance of coffee: not too bitter, not too sweet, and not overbearing. The flavor first hits you when you get some of the foam, it really eases you into the drink. When the meaty part of the beer hits your lips, that’s where you’re greeted with the finest tasting coffee this side of Colombia. This beer also lets you know that it’s a stout, but it’s not a dick about it. The theme of balance comes into play here as well, because it’s not overbearingly heavy, and it’s not water-like light, either. They did a great job of both balancing the flavor and the texture of this beer. I probably wouldn’t be able to have more than two of these in a row just because of the heartiness, but it feels perfect while you’re drinking it.

Wrap Up

Narragansett Coffee Milk Stout is one of the more balanced beers I’ve ever had. It’s easy to be balanced when you’re just making a regular, non-specifically flavored beer, but for something as hard to pull off as a coffee stout, they do an incredible job. It’s the perfect beer to have on a work lunch: you can lie to yourself saying that you’re just having a coffee to “get through the day,” and you’re just going to smell like coffee after drinking it. Making Darla from accounting say to herself “gee, that’s a goddamn winner right there. I’m going to show him my boobs later.” Or something like that.

Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 6.25.23 PM $8.99/sixer (pints)

 

 

Drunken Whiskey Review: Woodstock Hot Licks Bourbon and Cinnamon Liqueur

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Intro

It takes a man to admit he was wrong. I spent a large chuck of my life believing that any type of cinnamon “whiskey” was the drink of college girls and men with hairless balls.

Woodstock Hot Licks Bourbon slapped me in the face with the dick of truth, and showed me that not all cinnamon whiskies are created equal.

How to Drink it

“I take motherfucking shots of this stuff every morning, noon, afternoon, tea time, evening, night – fuck I even take shots of this shit when I’m asleep. It gives me wet dreams. Its the fucking best fucking shit I’ve ever fucking had the opportunity to take fucking shots of. Fuck.” – Edgar Allan Poe.

 When I first read that quote from my dear friend Mr. Poe, I thought to myself “I need to get that tattooed on my balls”. So I did. Unfortunately, I ran out of sack halfway through the quote. Some might consider this a short sighted disaster, but I don’t. You see, as I grow older, my balls will hang lower. Every year or two I’ll have a little more sack to continue the quote. Mr. Poe may have passed, but he will continue to speak to me for years to come. My scrotum will act as a medium to connect me to the afterlife.
The moral of the story kids, is that this is the best whiskey for taking shots.

Flavor

You pour 1.5 ounces into your cheetah print shot glass that reads “sassy bitch”. As you raise the glass to closer to your face the strong cinnamon smell creeps up your nose and the erection is instant. As you close your eyes you breathe in, and toss the shot down your throat. The sweet and spicy taste is orgasmic. The cinnamon taste so real that you can almost taste the powdering of real cinnamon on your tongue; A phantom sensation you just can’t shake. But the honeymoon is over; You breathe out and wait for the kick…but it never comes. You open your eyes, surprised and pleased; Pouring yourself another, you remember why you’re so intoxicated this early in the night.

Wrap Up

What in the house of fucks.

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Drunken Brew Review: Victory Brewing HopDevil IPA

Intro

 

HopDevil is an American IPA brewed by Victory Brewing Company out of PA. Apparently Victory uses some hop-press machine that squeezes all the flavor out of their hops, almost like a French Press but for drunks. It clocks in at 6.7% ABV and 50 IBUs. To be completely honest, we only wanted to try this brew out for a couple basic reasons: 1) we love IPAs 2) we love satan. Victory Brewing offers a good amount of beers, most notably for me their Belgian style “monkey beer” (I have no idea what it’s called but it has a monkey with I think 14 paws on it so it’s awesome). So here we go.

 

 

The Pour

First of all, if you’re not drinking HopDevil IPA in a glass you should find the nearest bridge and walk backwards off of it. I swear to you it tastes like a completely different beer when you drink it out of the glass compared to out of the bottle. The foam layer that comes out is moderately thick, and does a nice job of sticking to the glass as you down it. And more importantly, the foam tastes fucking delicious. Since we haven’t done a beer review in quite some time, I will reiterate: if you actually care about the pour of your beer you’re an asshole, we’re just letting you know how to get the most out of this brew. So let’s get to what really matters: the flavor.

Flavor

HopDevil IPA fills your nozzle with scents of flowers and citrus before you take a sip. Which is awesome. Once you take a gulp, though, that’s pretty much where the awesome stops for me. The flavor profile is as follows: citrus (think orange, grapefruit, lemon, orange peel, etc), soap, and floral flavors from the hops. You may have missed it, but there’s one flavor in that profile that kind of sort of stands out. The aftertaste really hits on that soapy flavor, and that’s something that flat out confused my mouth. Is this the devil finally washing my mouth out with soap for not praising his name enough? Luckily these flavors disappear pretty quickly, but all that means is that there isn’t much depth to the beer itself. It actually tastes more like a light IPA, which is bullshit. I get it, I deserve to get my mouth cleaned out with soap, but that plus alcohol has a strange punisher-rapey vibe to it, and that’s not exactly what I’m looking for in a beer. I mean it’s close, but not quite there.

 

Wrap Up

Victory HopDevil IPA just screams “meh.” It’s nothing special. Does it deserve to have (hail) Satan on the label? Absolutely not. But does it deserve a shot? Yes absolutely. So go ahead, try this guy out, but maybe try it as a single brew, because I don’t think I’ll be drinking the other five in my sixer. Maybe I’ll consider them a sacrifice to the one and only S-Dawg.

$11.99/sixer

Drunken Whiskey Review: Old Overholt Rye Whiskey

       Intro

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I’ll never forget the first time I had Old Overholt. I originally bought it because it was cheap, rye, and had a weird picture of George Washington (I think?) on the label.  Little did I know that this whiskey is the dark horse of all dark horses.  Absolutely do not be fooled by the $20/liter price tag, because this shit is absolutely legit. Through the years it sticks with you, as I’m finding that it’s carried by more and more packies, it’s a great go-to for parties and more.

 

 How To Drink It

This is an extremely balanced whiskey, meaning it’s good in almost any setting, but I think it really is best for cocktails. Old fashioneds, whiskey sours, manhattans, etc. This whiskey does’t just hold its weight in cocktails, it really amplifies the flavor while still giving you that bite you want out of a rye. Drinking it full strength tastes like a mixed drink itself because there are so many flavors going on, but taking a shot of this may burn your throat off/send you into a Patriotic American coma.

 

Flavor

You gotta love the flavor of this whiskey, even without considering the price. It goes down nice and smooth but lets you know it’s a pure American Rye with every sip. It is not at all harsh, but it’s also not a pussy rye drink (looking at you, JP). There’s a hint of corn that comes with the aftertaste, but all in all it makes you feel like George Washington drinking freedom. I know I just said that it’s best for cocktails, but this shit stands on its own when you drink it straight up or on the rocks.

 

First Words: Spice. City.

Overall Old Overholt is officially my go-to rye whiskey when I can find it in the store. It’s cheap, mixes great, and tastes perfect full strength or over ice. And to top it all off, you get a liter of it so it will last you that much longer (or get you that much more fucked up).

Wrap Up

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5 Whiskies That Won’t Burn Your Wallet or Your Tastebuds

Are you poor as shit and need to get drunk? Willing to sell yourself outside a packie to get a decent whiskey? Well I got good news for you my friends! Put your whoring outfit away because I did you a solid and put together a list of five whiskies that wonʼt burn your tastebuds or your wallet.

Benchmark 8 Bourbon – $11

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I gotta say this one on my favorites. This stuff is way too good to be this cheap. Itʼs made in the same distillery as buffalo trace, and its top notch stuff. They use a lot more rye than most bourbons so it has a lot more spiciness and flavor. If youʼre gona get one whiskey on this list Iʼd go with this bad boy.

Evan Williams Bourbon – $15

Screen Shot 2014-06-10 at 9.10.10 AMThis stuff tastes very similar to Jack Daniels, but itʼs half the price and tastes better. Itʼs got a smoother and more smokey flavor. If you like Jack and Cokes you have to try and Evan and Coke. The smokey flavor goes great and mixed drinks, and it also tastes great on the rocks

Canadian Mist – $10

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I feel a little weird putting a canadian whiskey on this list but I canʼt deny its value. This stuff is smooth and simple. It gets the job done, and its easy to put down. You can rip shots of this stuff all night and never feel the burn.

Old Grand Dad – $15

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This stuff is awesome. This is a high-rye bourbon like benchmark -so its loaded with spiciness and flavor. Old Grand Dad is made by Jim Beam, but it tastes better and costs less than good ol white label beam.

Old Crow- $9

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It doesnʼt get much cheaper than this. At nine bucks the crow is an absolute steal. This stuff has a sweet smell and taste. Itʼs smooth with just the right amount of burn. The sweet flavor of this whiskey makes it great in cocktails and on ice. Old Crow has some history too – Mark Twain, and Ulysses S Grant used to drink this stuff.

Drunken Whiskey Review: High West Double Rye

 

Intro

Screen Shot 2014-08-14 at 6.21.25 PMWe review a lot of Rye Whiskies here at Whiskey on the House because….well they are
fucktastic. But I have never tried a rye whiskey like High West Double Rye. I got it as a gift for my birthday and my tastebuds and liver were forever changed. High West Blends to completely different rye whiskies (one is only aged 2 years but with 95%rye and 5% barley – the other is aged 16 years with 53% rye and 37% corn) to give your mouth a blast of spicy sweetness

How to Drink it

I don’t think I’ve ever had a whiskey better for cocktails than High West Double Rye. Theres a lot of variety in spice in this whiskey so it can really go well in any mixed drink but the High West Distillery highly recommends Manhattans. This is whiskey is strong and bold enough to drink perfectly on the rocks as well. Taking shots of this bad larry might be a bit harsh, but fuck, I’d do it anyway.

Flavor

I was going to relate the variety and complexity of flavor in this rye to that “It’s a small world” ride at Disney World…but then I realized – fuck that. I hate that ride. I can’t understand what kind of shitbag would actually like it. It’s the same six words over, and over, and over again. And you go around real slow in some dinky boat and you see all these creepy dolls, of all different races, doing their little mechanical dances. You know they are just robots, but you swear you see one looking at you. It’s the mexican one. And he pulls out a knife and whispers “I’m gona cut you in your sleep ese”. No one else hears it but you. You try to tell your grandma, but she doesn’t listen because your just a little kid. But you saw what you saw and you dread the night paco sneaks up on you and fulfills his robotic promise.

Anyway, the mix of the two different rye whiskies is what gives High West Double Rye its unique flavor. You’re really getting two complete opposite worlds of flavor; With the 2 year 95% rye giving you the harsh extreme spicy flavor, and the 16 year 53% rye 37% corn giving you the smooth sweet flavor. The two ryes flank your tastebuds into spicy sweet surrender.

First words: NOO NOO NOO NOT THE MECHANICAL MEXICAN BOY ROBOT NOOOOO

Wrap UP

Despite triggering suppressed childhood memories,High West Double Rye is still the best rye I’ve had as of yet

 

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Drunken Whiskey Review: Canadian Club

Screen Shot 2014-06-29 at 9.11.02 AMIntro:

Everyone’s probably joined The Club (by drinking Canadian Club, ya hosers) at one point. It starts with seeing that you can get a liter of whiskey for the cost of about 2 hockey pucks. Next thing you know you’re hipchecking your poor guests into your fridge, saying things like “MAYBE NEXT TIME HOSER.” Listen we all know Canadian Club isn’t exactly the highest up on the wihskey totem pole/ goal post, but it certainly gets the job done for cheap.

How to Drink It:

This one’s kind of a no-brainer. You almost have to have the intention of taking shots before you join The Club. Goes down smooth, gets you drunk. Easy. However if you sip on it full-strength or on ice, you will probably be a little disappointed. I also can’t recommend the Club for mixed drinks. It’s probably fine if you’re doing a simple mixer like soda or whatever you crazy kids do, but in terms of real cocktails, use something else. Bottom line is if you need to get hosed quick, join the Club.

Flavor:

Tastes like a classic Canadian Whiskey. It has a slight taste of maple, again I dont know if they use maple barrels or if it’s Canadian mind games, but the taste is there. The Canadian Club does have a surprising amount of bite to it, it’s not a completely flat whiskey, but it also won’t knock you on your ass (Canadians are too polite for that anyway, eh).

first word: whaaaaatever.

Kind of a boring review. Kind of a boring whiskey. Again if you have like ten bucks and want to get right rip loaded (eh), it’s a good option.

 

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